I tell my boys all the time that I do not want them to grow up. That they need to stop growing. They always say no mom I need to grow up, I want to grow up because adults get to do whatever they want. HAHA. I have to laugh at that. I would give anything to go back to being a kid.
I drove by my grandma Gillman's old home that is being remodeled and I thought back to my days spent there as a kid. It made me sad. Time is moving to fast and change happens all the time but I sometimes wish things could stay the same for my kids so they could experience what I did as a kid. Though my kids are making great memories now in the neighborhood we live in now and with their grandparents I just want things to be like they were. A life with no worries, anxieties, or disappointments. I life care free like a kid...can I be a kid again?
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
My beat up body...
My body is beat up. I understand that my body is very important and I exercise almost everyday and try and eat right (I do have a sweet tooth though). But motherhood has put a beating on my body. First comes pregnancy that does things to your body you never thought would happen. Stretch marks, saggy chest, never the same bladder (meaning no jumping up and down or holding your pee for too long), and back to the size you were pre-baby making...well not for me, for some yes, me no. No matter how many sit-ups I do I have muscle it is just the stretched out stomach that will never go away.
Then comes the body beating after your are done having kids. Its the yelling the loudest they can in the car right by your ear, the bonking your head all the time when they try and give you a hug, the balls being thrown that hit you in the head, and the just trying to keep up with all the energy they have everyday. I can't move and grove like they can and when I try I just pull all shorts of muscles.
Oh and last but not least, my neck and shoulders are always in knots from the stress of raising three boys!
Then comes the body beating after your are done having kids. Its the yelling the loudest they can in the car right by your ear, the bonking your head all the time when they try and give you a hug, the balls being thrown that hit you in the head, and the just trying to keep up with all the energy they have everyday. I can't move and grove like they can and when I try I just pull all shorts of muscles.
Oh and last but not least, my neck and shoulders are always in knots from the stress of raising three boys!
Thursday, July 17, 2014
I probably will never be rich...
I will probably never be rich. I think one of my trials in life is to try and provide for my family with the money my husband makes and that is it. I think Heavenly Father knew this trials would test my faith. I hate having to budget so carefully each paycheck and wonder if we will ever have enough to save money in case of an emergency or if we will ever be completely out of debt for longer than a few months. I hate the feeling of struggling for every penny we make...working our butts off to the greed of other people. I will never have enough money to give away...to help find and organize a non profit organization to help those in need. I will never be able to take my kids to travel around the world so they could experience new cultures and foods.
My dreams as a girl not coming true and coming to the harsh reality that this is my life. I am a stay at home mom, with my husband trying to make ends meet to put food on our table and pay our bills on time. That I will never fully be out of debt no matter how hard I try. That having another child is out of the question since we can barley afford to provide for the three we have now. I am all about having faith that the Lord will provide if we are doing what is right, but I also believe in being smart enough to know that when you can't afford the kids you have now why would you add another to put you on welfare.
I have to confess I do get jealous of those with money out making a difference in the world and wonder why I can't do that. Why is my difference only in the walls of my home? Why with all my heart do I long to stay at home with my kids and that is just not happening for my family.
I guess others have the trials of having money and if they will remain humble and faith and not puffed up in pride.
How can I be content, truly content with what I have and let go of this huge desire in my heart to make a difference in the world, to be busy doing good?
My dreams as a girl not coming true and coming to the harsh reality that this is my life. I am a stay at home mom, with my husband trying to make ends meet to put food on our table and pay our bills on time. That I will never fully be out of debt no matter how hard I try. That having another child is out of the question since we can barley afford to provide for the three we have now. I am all about having faith that the Lord will provide if we are doing what is right, but I also believe in being smart enough to know that when you can't afford the kids you have now why would you add another to put you on welfare.
I have to confess I do get jealous of those with money out making a difference in the world and wonder why I can't do that. Why is my difference only in the walls of my home? Why with all my heart do I long to stay at home with my kids and that is just not happening for my family.
I guess others have the trials of having money and if they will remain humble and faith and not puffed up in pride.
How can I be content, truly content with what I have and let go of this huge desire in my heart to make a difference in the world, to be busy doing good?
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Content...
I sat on the lawn this morning in the shade watching Hudson play outside and I felt content. Something I have not felt in a long long time. I am almost scared to feel this way as anytime I do start to feel content something terrible or a trial starts to come into our lives.
I love my little house we live in and have hope that we can someday make it cute and more livable. I am waiting to here if I am going to get a job working for CES as a secretary again at the Orem Institute. I hope this happens so that down the road I can possibly get hired on full time to help get insurance for our family.
Rock quit his second job working for Rhett doing stone work. The last couple of weeks he was working both jobs sometimes going from one to other working for Rhett from 7:30am till 3:30 and then going to his other job all night. He was getting exhausted. If he works more at Mega Diamond we can get more overtime pay and it would pay more that with Rhett. I am relived that he quit and hopefully it will help him. His body is falling apart as his shoulder hurts and so does his knee. We just don't have the money to help him get feeling better.
The summer is flying by. My boys love to go swimming. I took the boys yesterday (July 14th) to the Provo City swimming pool where Mack stayed in side the whole time and went down the slides while Gunnar and I went down the slides outside and played outside. Tonight we are going to the Lehi Pool to swim.
Hudson loves the water also and loves to go to the splash pads to hang out. He is not afraid at all of the water. Gunnar is such a story teller. I have a hard time believing anything this kid says. He is stubborn and wants his way all the time. Mack is a good helper but does throw a little fit when he doesn't get his way. I had to ground them the other day because of them fighting. I thought, since Hudson was born, that Rock and I are done having children for many different reasons. For one we have had a financially devastating year with all the different job losses we have experienced. We have no insurance and can't afford to even pay for a root canal. How can we afford a baby? If we had another child we would have to purchase a new car and since we can barley afford our rent which is a blessing since we pay so little compared to other renters, there is no way we can afford a car payment. But today I am wondering if I need another child? I did get rid of all my baby stuff. I think we are done.
I love my little house we live in and have hope that we can someday make it cute and more livable. I am waiting to here if I am going to get a job working for CES as a secretary again at the Orem Institute. I hope this happens so that down the road I can possibly get hired on full time to help get insurance for our family.
Rock quit his second job working for Rhett doing stone work. The last couple of weeks he was working both jobs sometimes going from one to other working for Rhett from 7:30am till 3:30 and then going to his other job all night. He was getting exhausted. If he works more at Mega Diamond we can get more overtime pay and it would pay more that with Rhett. I am relived that he quit and hopefully it will help him. His body is falling apart as his shoulder hurts and so does his knee. We just don't have the money to help him get feeling better.
The summer is flying by. My boys love to go swimming. I took the boys yesterday (July 14th) to the Provo City swimming pool where Mack stayed in side the whole time and went down the slides while Gunnar and I went down the slides outside and played outside. Tonight we are going to the Lehi Pool to swim.
Hudson loves the water also and loves to go to the splash pads to hang out. He is not afraid at all of the water. Gunnar is such a story teller. I have a hard time believing anything this kid says. He is stubborn and wants his way all the time. Mack is a good helper but does throw a little fit when he doesn't get his way. I had to ground them the other day because of them fighting. I thought, since Hudson was born, that Rock and I are done having children for many different reasons. For one we have had a financially devastating year with all the different job losses we have experienced. We have no insurance and can't afford to even pay for a root canal. How can we afford a baby? If we had another child we would have to purchase a new car and since we can barley afford our rent which is a blessing since we pay so little compared to other renters, there is no way we can afford a car payment. But today I am wondering if I need another child? I did get rid of all my baby stuff. I think we are done.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
4th of July Week of Fun
We had such a fun week leading up to the 4th of July and after. Thursday the 3rd we went with Heather and her boys to the Orem Scera Park Colonial Days festival and the boys got to see and learn about American life when it was first settled in the late 1600's early 1700's. They got to be a part of a court trial, be put in the pillaries, go to school, and watch a fight between the Britians and Americans.
Friday for the 4th we woke up and went on a hike with Shar and Rob, Katye and Dykell, Kyson and Steve and my mom and dad and cally up to Stewart Falls in Provo Canyon. It was so awesome and the boys did so good hiking. Rock had to work so it was me and the boys. Afterwards we went to my mom's for swimming fun and a BBQ and to watch the fireworks. We had a firework show for over an hour all around my mom's home.
Saturday the boys had a birthday party in the afternoon and then we went to the mall to kill time and have dinner.
Sunday, Skeet and Heather and their family came over for dinner Monday we went with Heather and kids to Spanish Fork pool and Tuesday July 8th we went with Cally Thomas, Lyndee, Avery, Kyson, Dykell, Jex, McCoy, Mom and me and the boys to Cowabunga Bay. It was so fun. The boys had a blast. Gunnar's favorite part was just jumping off the side of the pool, Mack hung with Jex most of the day and went on almost all the slides, Hudson loved going down the slides with me and Dykell. It was such a fun day.
On Monday, July 7th I turned my resume in to apply for working with CES again. I have been praying and trying to decided along with Rock what is best for our family as far and provide for their needs. Rock looks so wore out as he is working two jobs and sometimes works all day must to go to another job all night getting only 4 hours of sleep in two days. My dream was to stay home with my kids but it looks like that is not a possibility anymore and I need to help provide for my family.
Friday for the 4th we woke up and went on a hike with Shar and Rob, Katye and Dykell, Kyson and Steve and my mom and dad and cally up to Stewart Falls in Provo Canyon. It was so awesome and the boys did so good hiking. Rock had to work so it was me and the boys. Afterwards we went to my mom's for swimming fun and a BBQ and to watch the fireworks. We had a firework show for over an hour all around my mom's home.
Saturday the boys had a birthday party in the afternoon and then we went to the mall to kill time and have dinner.
Sunday, Skeet and Heather and their family came over for dinner Monday we went with Heather and kids to Spanish Fork pool and Tuesday July 8th we went with Cally Thomas, Lyndee, Avery, Kyson, Dykell, Jex, McCoy, Mom and me and the boys to Cowabunga Bay. It was so fun. The boys had a blast. Gunnar's favorite part was just jumping off the side of the pool, Mack hung with Jex most of the day and went on almost all the slides, Hudson loved going down the slides with me and Dykell. It was such a fun day.
On Monday, July 7th I turned my resume in to apply for working with CES again. I have been praying and trying to decided along with Rock what is best for our family as far and provide for their needs. Rock looks so wore out as he is working two jobs and sometimes works all day must to go to another job all night getting only 4 hours of sleep in two days. My dream was to stay home with my kids but it looks like that is not a possibility anymore and I need to help provide for my family.
Monday, June 30, 2014
summer is here...
Summer is here and school is out. I am tired just thinking about entertaining three boys. May was busy. We remodeled the kitchen and the bathroom and that took about two weeks. It was hard not having a bathroom or kitchen and a person in our house all the time. Trying to keep the kids out of the way and all my kitchen in my eating area. But I am so thankful it is done and it looks good. We still need to paint but I will start that later. Rock works Monday thru Wednesday palatalizing stone from 8 til 4 and then at Mega Diamond Thursday thru Saturday nights from 4pm to 4am. We are now in debt with this remodeling project.
Gunnars last week of preschool was May 19th: he had his end of year program and the 21st his party at Sister Kelley's home.
Mack did very well in school and got a good report card. He will be in Chinese Immersion next year; first grade. Honestly I am a little sad to have my oldest going to school all day next year. He is reading well and he really tries to do well in school.
Over memorial day weekend we went camping to the San Rafel Swell with my mom and dad, grandma backus and carter and katye and lync. it was fun for Mack and Gunnar. they loved it and love camping. it was hard for me being alone with three kids and Hudson was so whining and clinging . My car battery died; didnt sleep very well with my dad snoring and a dog barking. But the kids had such a good time with their cousins and four wheeling. They love being out in the dirt and camping.
The fighting has started day one of summer vacation and I don't know that I will be able to make it and keep my sanity. I am trying my hardest not to yell at my kids and get so frustrated so easily but when they fight all the time and when you ask them nicely not to do something several times and they don't listen you have to yell to get your point across.
Gunnars last week of preschool was May 19th: he had his end of year program and the 21st his party at Sister Kelley's home.
Mack did very well in school and got a good report card. He will be in Chinese Immersion next year; first grade. Honestly I am a little sad to have my oldest going to school all day next year. He is reading well and he really tries to do well in school.
Over memorial day weekend we went camping to the San Rafel Swell with my mom and dad, grandma backus and carter and katye and lync. it was fun for Mack and Gunnar. they loved it and love camping. it was hard for me being alone with three kids and Hudson was so whining and clinging . My car battery died; didnt sleep very well with my dad snoring and a dog barking. But the kids had such a good time with their cousins and four wheeling. They love being out in the dirt and camping.
The fighting has started day one of summer vacation and I don't know that I will be able to make it and keep my sanity. I am trying my hardest not to yell at my kids and get so frustrated so easily but when they fight all the time and when you ask them nicely not to do something several times and they don't listen you have to yell to get your point across.
June 2014
My sisters, mom and I went to Denver to visit my dad the first weekend in June (6-10). We arrived at the airport Friday night around 6pm only to find out our flight to Colorado Springs had been cancelled. We tried to get on another flight but ended up at a hotel by the airport and caught a flight the next morning to Denver.
We arrived in Denver around 11am where mom and dad were there to pick us up. We went to the outlets to do some shopping in Denver. We ate at Black Pea restaurant and then drove to Pueblo, Colorado to see where my dad lives and works. We called our hotel to make sure we still had reservation only to find out my mom had booked it for two adults only and there was only a king size bed so we had to call around and get another hotel for Lyndee and I. Cally and Katye stayed in Best Western and we stayed at the Ramada. Met up Sunday morning and went to Bishop's Castle. This crazy guys (who is against the government) built this huge castle out of wire and stone. He is really quite brilliant in his construction of his castle just crazy on his views of life and government.
We had lunch at my dad's favorite restaurant Shamrock where he loves to get their homemade mac and cheese. I had fish and chips and it was good. After lunch we walk the River Walk which was nice and relaxing. Got some ice cream and then went back to the hotel to chill. Monday we woke up, drove towards Denver and visited the Garden of the Gods and Manitoe Springs, ate at the Italian restaurant Maggiano's, so good and lots of food, and then off to the Colorado Rockies baseball game. I was cheering for the Braves while the rest of the family was cheering for the Rockies. The Braves won 3 to 2. Flew out Tuesday morning at 11am and got home around 3pm. Missed my family but as i got home the house was a disaster and the downstairs freezer had been off for a few days so their was meat blood everywhere. It took me 3 hours to try and get most of it cleaned up. Meat blood had gotten in my carpet and all over the floor. The next day as I was getting ready for work and swarm of bees who love the smell of meat swarmed our house and downstairs so we had to call an exterminator. Thursday June 12th Rock noticed that they didn't pay him for his overtime hours he put in the week before at Mega Diamond. So we spent most of the day trying to short that out. I am so tired of living pay check to pay check. Working our butts off trying to do what is right only to get shafted all the time. I am getting frustrated that my prayers are not being answered yet I strive to still pray and pay tithing but I have no heart in it.
Father's Day we spend with Skeet and his family up Hobble Creek and the car would not start after we got home from church. Just add another thing that we need to put on the credit card to add up our credit we owe. Trying so hard to stay out of debt only to be back in debt because you can't make enough money no matter how hard you try.
Tuesday June 17th I left for the week long Girl's Camp. Our Stake goes to Camp Shalom in Fairview Canyon. Rock's grandpa PJ ran camp shalom for 20 years when Rock was young and Rock has shared with me some of his fun memories spent there in the summer. Camp is exhausting as a leader. But I love serving with the youth and Sister Kelley and Warner put a lot of time and great preparation for camp. Many spiritual experience hopefully these young women will remember. My boys were taken care of and it is so nice to have wonderful family and friends to help while I am gone. They got to play with Lucy and Jack Stephenson, cousins and sleep over at my mom's. I came home Saturday morning the 21st exhausted but sad it was over. I want to take my family up in the mountains with no TV, phones, bill, or jobs. Just feel the spirit that is there.
The week of June 23-29th we made some wonderful memories spending time around Utah County. Tuesday we took the kids fishing up AF Canyon. What an adventure. We started up a dirt road that took us no where and just me whining and being a so angry. We ended up fishing at Timble Fork and Mack was the only one that caught a fish. A small one that we had to throw back. After a couple hours Hudson got restless and so did Gunnar. They are still learning patience and wanted to reel in their poles every 10 minutes.
Saturday June 28th the boys and I had a great night. While Rock was at work I took the boys to visit the new remodeled Bean Museum at BYU, then feed the ducks, and lastly had ice cream. The boys were so good and fun. It was a great evening.
We have decided to put Mack and Gunnar in soccer this fall and spring and skip gymnastics for a couple of months to help save money and give Mack a break. It was hard for him the last months to go. I had a hard time letting him quit because he is so good at it but we need to save money and soccer for my boys will be free since I am volunteering to help put rosters together. Will save us some money.
We arrived in Denver around 11am where mom and dad were there to pick us up. We went to the outlets to do some shopping in Denver. We ate at Black Pea restaurant and then drove to Pueblo, Colorado to see where my dad lives and works. We called our hotel to make sure we still had reservation only to find out my mom had booked it for two adults only and there was only a king size bed so we had to call around and get another hotel for Lyndee and I. Cally and Katye stayed in Best Western and we stayed at the Ramada. Met up Sunday morning and went to Bishop's Castle. This crazy guys (who is against the government) built this huge castle out of wire and stone. He is really quite brilliant in his construction of his castle just crazy on his views of life and government.
We had lunch at my dad's favorite restaurant Shamrock where he loves to get their homemade mac and cheese. I had fish and chips and it was good. After lunch we walk the River Walk which was nice and relaxing. Got some ice cream and then went back to the hotel to chill. Monday we woke up, drove towards Denver and visited the Garden of the Gods and Manitoe Springs, ate at the Italian restaurant Maggiano's, so good and lots of food, and then off to the Colorado Rockies baseball game. I was cheering for the Braves while the rest of the family was cheering for the Rockies. The Braves won 3 to 2. Flew out Tuesday morning at 11am and got home around 3pm. Missed my family but as i got home the house was a disaster and the downstairs freezer had been off for a few days so their was meat blood everywhere. It took me 3 hours to try and get most of it cleaned up. Meat blood had gotten in my carpet and all over the floor. The next day as I was getting ready for work and swarm of bees who love the smell of meat swarmed our house and downstairs so we had to call an exterminator. Thursday June 12th Rock noticed that they didn't pay him for his overtime hours he put in the week before at Mega Diamond. So we spent most of the day trying to short that out. I am so tired of living pay check to pay check. Working our butts off trying to do what is right only to get shafted all the time. I am getting frustrated that my prayers are not being answered yet I strive to still pray and pay tithing but I have no heart in it.
Father's Day we spend with Skeet and his family up Hobble Creek and the car would not start after we got home from church. Just add another thing that we need to put on the credit card to add up our credit we owe. Trying so hard to stay out of debt only to be back in debt because you can't make enough money no matter how hard you try.
Tuesday June 17th I left for the week long Girl's Camp. Our Stake goes to Camp Shalom in Fairview Canyon. Rock's grandpa PJ ran camp shalom for 20 years when Rock was young and Rock has shared with me some of his fun memories spent there in the summer. Camp is exhausting as a leader. But I love serving with the youth and Sister Kelley and Warner put a lot of time and great preparation for camp. Many spiritual experience hopefully these young women will remember. My boys were taken care of and it is so nice to have wonderful family and friends to help while I am gone. They got to play with Lucy and Jack Stephenson, cousins and sleep over at my mom's. I came home Saturday morning the 21st exhausted but sad it was over. I want to take my family up in the mountains with no TV, phones, bill, or jobs. Just feel the spirit that is there.
The week of June 23-29th we made some wonderful memories spending time around Utah County. Tuesday we took the kids fishing up AF Canyon. What an adventure. We started up a dirt road that took us no where and just me whining and being a so angry. We ended up fishing at Timble Fork and Mack was the only one that caught a fish. A small one that we had to throw back. After a couple hours Hudson got restless and so did Gunnar. They are still learning patience and wanted to reel in their poles every 10 minutes.
Saturday June 28th the boys and I had a great night. While Rock was at work I took the boys to visit the new remodeled Bean Museum at BYU, then feed the ducks, and lastly had ice cream. The boys were so good and fun. It was a great evening.
We have decided to put Mack and Gunnar in soccer this fall and spring and skip gymnastics for a couple of months to help save money and give Mack a break. It was hard for him the last months to go. I had a hard time letting him quit because he is so good at it but we need to save money and soccer for my boys will be free since I am volunteering to help put rosters together. Will save us some money.
Prayers
Rock and I worked very hard and sacrificed a lot of "things" we would like to have to get out of debt. As soon as this happened we went through the job losses and had to go through our savings and go into debt to replace our furnace in the middle of winter. Working hard and sacrifices didn't help us in keeping ourselves out of debt. I thought as we obeyed counsel from prophets to get out of debt we would find peace and blessings. I feel like that was just the opposite of what happened to our family. Why does Heavenly Father deem it fair to bless others with a new home and no money worries as they have worked hard to stay out of debt like we have and punish us. I just don't understand. We both are trying to do what is right and one gets blessed and the other gets punished. Why is that?
Why do people treat employers they way they treat them. You work for me, make me money and will pay you the least amount possible so I get more of it. Even if you are a good employee, sorry no raises, etc. I need more money. Why do people do whatever it takes to get more and more money no matter how unethical or right it is to achieve more money? Why at the expense of others and their families do they what more and more? Why does the Lord allow those people to keep getting more and more success and money when they are not being fair, ethical or right? Why does a company hire more employers because they get more money from the government? Why is this economic world so messed up? Why why why I ask?
How do I find peace that is not associated with money? It is what I need to keep my family fed, in school, serve a mission, and a home over their heads. So how do I achieve peace when each pay check I wonder how I am going to pay tithing, food, bills, and other obligations and still have money for savings and get out of debt again. How?
Rock and I have decided that this home is probably where we are going to be living for a while now.
As of this week (June 23rd 2014) I have decided to try and find a job to help with our family incomes. I don't want to work everyday and want to be with my family but I have to take steps necessary to provide for these boys. It sure break my heart though. I guess I just need to learn to let go of a dream I have had to stay home with my kids. I had all the faith in the world when Mack was born that the Lord would help us in my quest, I thought a righteous quest for me to stay home with my kids, but since then we have struggled financially. I am not going back to work to get a bigger house or a new car. I am going back to work to help pay our bills, pay off debt, have a little money in savings and provide the basic needs of my family. A need to survive in this world without going in welfare.
Motherhood, parenthood for that matter is so overwhelming. I feel this huge burden on my shoulders all the time worrying about my kids and how they will turn out, if I am raising them right, trying to have patients with them, make sure I am keeping up with society, reading homework, keeping them safe, etc. My biggest worry is keeping them fed as they are eating all the time and being able to provide food for them, pay our bills, keep a roof over their heads, etc.
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