RIP Zack....we love you!

I am writing this post for a few reasons. One, for my self to hopefully help me get over these feeling of guilt and sadness. Two, for my sweet husband and kids. He is not much of a journal writer so I am sharing his feelings and thoughts as well. Third, to help other family members, friends and someone out there that I don't even know but who may be going through the same thing I and my family are going through. Our feelings and thoughts of our hearts to maybe help comfort and be a support to them. And lastly I write this that maybe someone with the means to help will help the Ellison family find a way to start a foundation, The Zeke Foundation to help families who have been affected by drug addiction and those effected by drug addiction. To help the rest of the world understand this fight we will continue to fight but that there is help.
Thursday morning December 9th was a great day. I was excited for Christmas and we had a wonderful weekend planned with family and friends. Rock's parents, Nana and Pap surprises us with a visit from Island Park, Idaho were they live. Mack loves his Pap. They left an hour later to head out to Rock's brother's to spend the night. My sweet aunt and cousin come over later that night to watch the boys so Rock and I could go with my family out to dinner and to a Christmas concert. What a wonderful time of year.
4:50 am Friday morning the Rock's phone rings. I thought it was his work and he wondered why someone would be calling him so early. It was Skeet Rock's brother. Zack's dead. No way. We both did not believe it. Dayjavoo....July 2010 same day, same time same phone call that Leonard had been in a tragic car accident killing him.... Skeet told us that their sisters were trying to revive Zack and the paremedics were there. We thought he was going to be okay. He had a seizure and Aspirated choking. We didn't want to believe he was really dead. We called Skeet back a half hour later and he confirmed to us that Zack was gone. Rock sobed and sobed. I was in shock. Not this now. Rock's parents don't need this now. They just buried Leonard a son in law. Jamie's mom died, her brother in law died. Not now. Not for Brittany. Zack was helping with her kids give them some kind of father figure in their sweet lives. No please not now. Rock text his best friend Jon cause they have a special bond. he posted it on facebook letting all know so he wouldn't have to make so many phone calls.
HOW MUCH GRIEF CAN THIS FAMILY TAKE???
Jamie and LeGrand show up at the house around 5:30 am to give us hugs and get pictures of Zack. Jamie kept saying Oh my Zack is gone he is gone.
7 am that morning Skeet text wanting to be with Rock to take a drive just to be with his brother. They both were angry at Zack, sad, wanted to scream and cry all at the same time. Boys started waking up and Mack saw dada crying. Rock wants to let his boys know it is okay to cry. Mack, trying to find a way to comfort him in his own way clung to Rock, wanting to know where he was all the time. Rock was trying to make phone calls and answer phone calls. News spreads fast on facebook. Friday was filled with calls and so much support and love. Thank you all! Rock and I went to the temple to find some sort of peace and understanding of why this was happening.
From Friday until we left Monday morning to Island park for the funeral we tried to make things as normal as possible. We went to church to here Skeet's family speak, went to a family Christmas party Saturday, drove around to see Christmas lights all the while mourning in our own little way. Tuesday December 14th was the viewing and funeral. Skeet read from Zack's planner he carried with him. Zack had a testimony of the gospel. He loved God and Jesus Christ. He had goals to get married in the temple and have a family. His addiction held him back and left him fearful of a bright future! Why Zack? You have some much to offer this world...why did you let drugs control you and keep you from your dreams. During Elder Webbs talk (an area General Authority) I came to understand Zack's heart like I never really understood it before. I felt peace not necessarily for me but for his parents and hopefully other family members and friends.
Wednesday morning we headed back to Utah and as we were driving home I became engulfed with guilt. I cried and cried. Why hadn't I just loved Zack...gave him a hug and tell him I love him despite his struggles. Jamie and LeGrand came to the house to spend the next few nights in Utah with us and we sat up talking about Zack, reading from his journals. Oh my goodness...he did have goals, he did want to be married, he did love his family and his nephews so much. He did want to beat this addicition more then anything in this world. He did have a testimony. Oh Zack...now you can beat this addicition. You can do it! Your spirit is stronger than your body. You can do it! I'm sorry Zack for not telling you more that I love you. I am sorry for not trying to understand you better.
Thursday night was Zack's memorial service in Utah and we were all overwhelmed with the support that was there. I got to meet so many wonderful people that I have heard so much about from the Ellison's family. Friends and neighbors that Rock grew up with and who loved Zack. I thought I couldn't cry anymore.. I guess I have more tears then I imagined.
The next few months as life goes on and family and friends leave (we find comfort being with family and friends to talk and share feelings) it will be our families reliance on the Savior that will help us through. Letting the healing powers of the Savior atonement heal our hearts.
Zack, now that you are gone, and after reading your thoughts I understand a little bit of what you had to face daily. Your challenge in life. I will never fully undertand but I have Rock to help me understand. He struggled with addiction also but won and maybe through efforts we can help others win also. He will help me understand your sisters and their challenges.
Jamie and LeGrand I am so sorry for yet another loss. Thank you for being strong and teach us with your HOPE!
Rock...I know there will be days when you will just cry and that your heart is broken but I love you. Thank you for teaching me that it is okay to cry. I know with your help the guilt and sadness will go away. Zack's memory never will.
Thank you to all our family and friends for your love and support. You do more than you all will ever know!