For a couple of years we have been trying to decided whether or not Rock should find another job. The job he was in was not allowing him to grow, progress and he didn't feel like a valuable employee. New employees just hired were getting paid more than him, no raises in 5 years, and he struggled going to work each day. We understood that we were very lucky to have a job in the economy and knew that most people hated their jobs anyway but had to work to provide for their families so we stuck with it for a few more years. We stilled prayed often to know what to do. Should we just stick it out or try and change our circumstances to better our future. I believe in working hard and good things will come and in trying to change things for the better. I don't see anything wrong with trying to find a better paying job that would help us financially. We weren't praying for a million dollars just something to help us live comfortably and provide for our three boys. We read a conference by Elder Bednar talking about changing our own circumstances instead of waiting for someone or something else to change our circumstances for us.
Rock and I worked very hard to get out of debt and we had no debt and felt we could look for another job. We weren't perusing another job opportunity when a great job fell into our laps and we felt this was the perfect opportunity to take it. Rock felt good about it but I was hesitant but decided to trust Rock and his judgment.
We thanked God everyday for this new job and Rock seemed so much happier. The only downsize was the travel he would have to do.
I wanted and prayed for a job that would pay better and that his hours would be suitable for him to come home at night with the family, but I knew that I couldn't have both with this job and was just grateful that he had a good paying job that he loved.
This job lasted 2 months and he was let go to help make way for another employee to come work for the company. I was devastated. I can't explain the feeling I had. I felt awful for the way Rock felt. I didn't help easy the pain just making it worst by my ranting and raving. But I remember after crying for an hour feeling peace.
A week later Rock found another job through a temp agency doing finish carpentry but after a couple of month they let him go because they found another employee that had more experience and would work for less than they were paying Rock.
Again I saw the look of defeat on Rock's face. He has never been fired from a job and just wants to provide for his family. But I was amazed at that faith he had. He kept telling me that all would work out.
I had an internal struggle. I knew I needed faith. The testimony I thought I had faltered. I pleaded, murmured and cried out daily to God wondering why this was happening. We pay our tithing, we try hard to obey the commandments, we go to the temple, we just want to provide for our family.
Of course no one is exempt from trials even when we are trying to live righteously but I just wanted financial peace. We have struggled for years. I have waited patiently to have money to get a new tile floor since our floor for the last five years have been cracking and coming up. Each year at tax returns I anticipate a new floor and each year something comes up that takes the money away. Something we have to pay on to keep us out of debt.
I wondered why we had tried so hard to stay out of debt when it seemed impossible to stay out. About the time of the second job loss we had used up most of our savings and the furnace went out. So we were back in debt. I questioned the faith I had when my first son was born and I quit my job trusting fully in the Lord that I needed to stay home with my kids and that the Lord would provide a way for us.
A couple of weeks later Rock got hired on at Costco for seasonal work for the Holidays. A blessing but the pay and hours were hard. It is hard to provide for a family on 11.50 an hour. We kept applying to different jobs and a week before Christmas Rock got a job offer in Roosevelt in the oil industry. He would be working sevens days on seven days off. I wasn't thrilled about moving to Roosevelt but if that is were we needed to be I would. I told Rock I would move out there after a year to make sure this job stuck.
It was hard the week he was gone but I loved having him home for seven days. This job lasted a month and a half. Not again. Please not again. Again anguish, stress, defeat, tired, anger, and frustration all in one. WHY? It seemed that no matter how hard we tried to better our family situation we were left making our situation worse. I felt like I kept hitting a brick wall no matter how hard we tried. The stress of not knowing how to pay for bills or food.
I looked into going back to school, looked into getting Rock back into school, I applied for jobs, Rock applied for jobs. Trying to cover all our options. Was going back to school the right decision? Do I work and Rock stay home with the kids or do we both work and find daycare for our kids? What do we do? I felt like my prayers were not being heard. I just wanted some direction. Does God want my kids to suffer? We are trying to win at the game of life, doing to best we can and yet it was not good enough.
I really struggled internally between giving up-stop going to church, praying, paying tithing and doing all I knew was right and things I had found gave me peace in the past-to trying to hold on the what faith I had and continue going to church, pay tithing and trust the Lord. I decided to strive to look at all the blessings. Each job loss, each job rejection I really had to dig deep to continue kneeling at night to pray. Dreams I had of taking my kids to Disneyland, buying a new home, maybe having another child, buying a bigger car, etc. just seemed like it was never going to happen for us and our family. Why was it so hard to trust in the Lord with this trial? Why was I not handling this trial with grace and patience? Why was I complaining so much and aguishly pleading with the Lord to hear my prayers.
I remembered going to Martin Coves and doing the trek with family back in June of 2013 and remembering that I can do hard things. I also remembered in young women our theme was coming unto Christ and I had made three goals and one of the goals was to serve others at least 3 times a week. So I turned my focus on serving others and remembering I can do hard things. It helped I started to realize I was blessed. We had not gone without a job in for more than 4 weeks. We had different jobs to help us get by. Because we were out of debt except for the furnace we had to get, didn't own a home, just paying rent, cars paid off we could pay our others bills. We got our tax returns back and that helped us. Ward members were awesome and we had a couple times food and money left on our front door. Our grandpa who we paid rent too let us go a couple of months without paying rent. A ward member let Rock come and work for him for a couple of weeks while we were job searching. Huge blessing that I recognized but not like I should.
It was also so nice to have Rock home in the morning helping me get the kids ready for school. My kids loved having Rock home more. Rock is a great father. I realized my kids found joy in going to a baseball field to play as a family. They loved to play uno at night. I realized I need to work on counting my blessings.
As of now (April 1, 2014) Rock has a week left with a Masonry Company and he will start on the 14th of April with a company called Mega Diamonds working nights. He will also be working for a friend doing stone work. I am grateful for the jobs and pray that they will be a long term thing for us, at least for a year if not longer.
No comments:
Post a Comment